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Unger & Thirst

How to Measure Your BMI (Body Mennonite Index)

July 29, 2018 Andrew

The body mass index is used to measure a person’s relative health based on their weight and height. Unfortunately, the traditional BMI does not work for Mennonites. Instead, Mennonite doctors recommend that you use the […]

Unger Suspicion

Discovery Channel’s Documentary on ‘Pacifist Sharks’ is ‘Most Boring’ Program Ever Aired During Shark Week

July 28, 2018 Andrew

MIAMI, FL The Discovery Channel’s annual ‘Shark Week’ usually features numerous fascinating documentaries about the underwater killing machines, full of exciting decapitations and mutilations that keep audiences on the edge of their seats. This year, […]

Unger Conviction

Blood Moon ‘A Sign From God’ that the Reign of the Fundamentalist Mennonite Elders Has Come to an End

July 27, 2018 Andrew

BERGTHAL, MB Conservative Mennonites across North America are interpreting tonight’s blood moon as a ‘clear sign from God’ that they no longer have to follow the ‘bullshit rules’ of the elders and can now live […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Dog Breeder Creates New Breed, the ‘Low German Shepherd’

July 26, 2018 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Expert dog breeder, Mr. Peter Fehr, 59, of Winkler, has worked for more than three decades to create a new dog breed: the Low German Shepherd. Thanks to a lot of blood, sweat […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Pastor Launches String of F-Bombs in Last Sermon Before Retirement

July 25, 2018 Andrew

REIMERSFELD, SK Local Mennonite pastor, Reverend Schmidt, whose recent lotto-649 win has afforded him an early retirement, unleashed a string of f-bombs in his final sermon as head of East Reimersfeld Mennonite. “He sure let […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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