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Unger & Thirst

Pennsylvania Mennonite Man Blows Entire Stimulus Check on Pig’s Head Scrapple

April 7, 2020 Andrew

AKRON, PA Mr. Ruth, 63, of Akron, Pennsylvania has decided to make the best of a bad situation and has already blown his entire $1200 government stimulus check on scrapple made from pig’s head and […]

The Daily Bonnet

Clingy Mennonite Aunt Making Tally of All the Hugs You’ll Owe Her When This is Over

April 5, 2020 Andrew

YARROW, BC Ever since the pandemic broke out, Taunte Liza of Yarrow has been making a daily tally of all the hugs she’s missing out on and plans to cash in big time once this […]

Unger & Thirst

Klik Returns to Mennonite Pantries for the First Time in Centuries

April 4, 2020 Andrew

GRASSY LAKE, AB As humans across the globe shut themselves indoors and withdraw from normal life, it seems that nature has taken over. This retreat to pre-human existence is no more evident than in the […]

Unger Suspicion

Local Grow-ops Switch to Making Hand Sanitizer

April 3, 2020 Andrew

CHILLIWACK, BC Since the recent health crisis, thousands of grow-ops throughout British Columbia have been ditching the recreational drugs and converting their facilities to the full-scale production of hand sanitizer. “It’s just one way of […]

The Daily Bonnet

With Toilet Paper in Short Supply, Mennonites Resort to Eaton’s Catalogues Once Again

April 2, 2020 Andrew

WINKLER, MB While thousands of Canadians are panicked these days due to a short supply of toilet paper, Mennonites, on the other hand, haven’t been fazed by the shortage at all. “Well, it looks like […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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