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Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Woman Enters Guinness Book of Records for Rapid Meat Canning

March 20, 2022 Andrew

SMOKETOWN, PA Mrs. Sarah Glatfelter of Smoketown, Pennsylvania has entered the Guinness Book of Records after canning more than 100 cans of meat for MCC within just one hour. “I’ve never seen a Mennonite can […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Diagnosed with Gas Problem

March 19, 2022 Andrew

LEAMINGTON, ON Local graphic designer and amateur Mennonite historian Dale Kehler of Leamington has been diagnosed with a severe gas problem this afternoon. “Oh, gosh, oh I’m so sorry. Excuse me,” said Kehler. “It’s almost […]

Unger Suspicion

Justin Trudeau Among 313 Canadians Banned from “Going Anywhere Near Alberta”

March 18, 2022 Andrew

EDMONTON, AB Justin Trudeau was at the top of a list of 313 Canadians banned from going “within a hundred kilometers” of Alberta. “We don’t want him wearing a Flames jersey either,” said Calgary man […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Claims “Natural Immunity to Tipping”

March 17, 2022 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC Area man Garth Toews claims he doesn’t need any medical intervention for his chronic lack of tipping. “I have natural immunity to tipping,” said Toews. “Every time I reach for my wallet, there’s […]

Unger Games

National League Adopts ‘Designated Menno’ Rule

March 16, 2022 Andrew

PHILADELPHIA, PA Decades after its junior curcuit counterpart made the change, the National League has finally agreed to adopt the Designated Menno rule. “It’s about damn time,” said diehard Phillies fan Mary Denlinger. “I know […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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