Deceased Members of “One True Church” Find Heaven Super Lonely


Deceased members of a local congregation claiming to have “figured it all out once and for all back in 1973” have found Heaven super boring and lonely.

“I’ve been up here since the summer of 1983 just waiting for some of my cousins to die,” said One True Church member Mr. Wiebe. “I’m getting awful lonesome waiting for a few other Wiebes to kick the bucket.”

Wiebe is among just a small handful of Heavenly citizens who’ve managed to make it past the pearly gates in the past 2000 years.

“For thousands of years people had it all wrong until our great leader Pastor Bob had a particularly spicy bowl of Aunt Edna’s chili at a church cookout in the early 70s,” said Wiebe. “It all came to him in the outhouse afterwards and our One True Church was born.”

With only a handful of people up there in Heaven, Wiebe is beginning to get antsy for some more company.

“How many times can you beat your sister Aggie in a game of horseshoes before it just isn’t fun anymore?” said Wiebe. “You know sometime I wish we weren’t the One True Church after all.”

Wiebe says it’s gotten so bad that they don’t even have enough people up there for a game of volleyball.

“It doesn’t help that half the congregation split off to form their own one true church in the early 90s,” said Wiebe. “They’re clearly in error, though, so they’ll all wind up in that other place. But I guess that’s more of a punishment for me than it is for them.”

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