Mennonites Baptized in Low German Forced to Do it Over Again in High German


A bunch of Friesens will have be rebaptized this week after it was discovered that Pastor John had been using Plautdietsch when he should have been using High German.

“Everyone knows the Bible was written in German and I mean High German,” explained Elder Stoesz. “When we found out Pastor John had been pouring the water with a blessing in Low German, well that just doesn’t count now does it?”

More than 550 Friesens are affected by the ruling and will be scheduled for their rebaptisms over the next few months.

“Unfortunately, this also means I’m going to have to redo a few Friesen-Friesen weddings,” said Pastor John. “These Friesens have been living in sin for years without even realizing it.”

Pastor John is frantically brushing up on his High German and is really hoping he doesn’t screw it up or insert any Low German words where they shouldn’t be there.

“I’d hate to get to the Pearly Gates and be greeted by Martin Luther and find out all these fine folks weren’t getting in,” said Pastor John. “Or worse yet, what if they had to spend all eternity in Low German Heaven.”

Upon hearing the news, area Mennonites decided they were fine with their Low German baptisms so long as they could spend eternity playing Dutch Blitz and eating zwieback.

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