STEINBACH, MB
Local author Joseph Bergmann, 78, has come home with the top prize at the annual Navel Gazing Olympics this week. Bergmann faced stiff competition from a wide range of authors, historians, and coffee shop gossipers from across the Mennonite world.
“It’s a real challenge, since every Mennonite is already born with strong navel gazing talents,” said Bergmann, “and to win a competition like this, you’ve got to be good not just as one type of navel gazing, but all aspects of the sport.”
Bergmann scored top points in the angst and self-loathing competition and placed second in the marquee event: an epic 5-hour-long marathon where competitors ramble on about Mennonites to a group of people who have little to no interest in the topic.
“I did well in that one, too, but ultimately a few professors from the city had more stamina that me,” said Bergmann. “Over all, though, my ability to write novel after novel with little regard for anything outside my own community was what placed me on top.”
Judges praised Bergmann for his incredibly myopic vision and his uncanny ability to turn every conversation into a discussion about Mennonites.
“Points also went to whoever could vastly overestimate the presence of Mennonites across the world,” said Bergmann. “I figured there were twice as many Mennonites as Catholics. Everywhere I go, I’m surrounded by Mennonites, so there must be a lot of us.”
Dead last in the competition was Pastor Dave from Aylmer who fared well in the Strange Obsession with Mennonites category, but was penalized more than 1000 points for his sheer inability to reflect on his own shortcomings and instead spend all his time casting judgement on others.
