Church Cell Group Consists Mostly of Endoplasmic Reticulum


A new scientific analysis from the University of Southern Alberta has demonstrated that the vast majority of church cell groups consist of nothing more than endoplasmic reticulum.

“We were hoping to find some ribosomes or a golgi aparatus or two,” said Dr. Wiebe, “but we kept finding over and over again just these mebrance-like sacs, and most of them were agranular!”

The findings were especially disappointing to local pastors who have promoted mitosis and cytokinesis in their congregations for years.

“The cell is essential to the church,” said God Zone pastor Dale Schmidt. “Without the cell the whole church falls apart and it’s just necrosis or autophagy. It’s really sad to see when that happens.”

Pastor Dale says he’s been working on enhancing the cytoskeleton so that the cell groups stay in better shape.

“We’re doing all we can to preserve these cells,” said Dale. “We’ve even swapped out Rick Warren for Joel Osteen now. That should really help with protein synthesis.”

The University is also examining the hearts of local Sunday School students to see if they really do the “joy, joy, joy, joy” down in them.

(photo credit: biophotos/CC)

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