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The Daily Bonnet

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The Daily Bonnet

New Crowd Limits Still Not Big Enough to Accommodate the Klassens

May 20, 2020 Andrew

GRETNA, MB After very few new cases in the past week, the Manitoba government has decided to ease the limits on public gatherings. Starting Friday, Manitobans, other than the fertile Klassen family, will be allowed […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Severely Injures Knipsing Finger

May 17, 2020 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON The global crokinole community was in shock this week after star flicker Mr. Funk went down with an injury to his knipsing finger. “The crokinole world has never seen anything like this, especially […]

The Daily Bonnet

Chaos at Walmart After Mennonite Woman Goes the Wrong Way

May 16, 2020 Andrew

ALTONA, MB It was absolute mayhem at Altona Walmart this afternoon after Mrs. Bueckert brazenly decided to push her shopping card filled with toilet paper and pistachio pudding mix against the direction of the arrows. […]

The Daily Bonnet

Murder Hornets Not Nearly So Scary When You Call them ‘Mord wille Bie’

May 11, 2020 Andrew

YARROW, BC In an effort to get everyone to chill a little, local officials have started referring to the notorious murder hornets by their Plautdietsch name, which is seen to be more hilarious than scary. […]

The Daily Bonnet

New Gun Control Laws Leave Local Man “Completely Defenceless” Against Government Armed with Tanks and Fighter Jets

May 7, 2020 Andrew

LA CRETE, AB Local man Mr. Wiebe, who left the Mennonite Church decades ago to attend one more receptive to his gun-toting lifestyle, is just now starting to wonder whether his remaining collection of legal […]

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