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Unger the Influence

Unger the Influence

Mennonites Arrested in Washington for Being Way Too Peaceful

January 18, 2024 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC 130 hymn-singing Mennonites were arrested in Washington, DC this week and charged with being, “like, way too peaceful and stuff.” The arrests came after several dozen Mennonites sat down in the Cannon Hill […]

Unger the Influence

Congress Hire Mennonites to Shun George Santos

December 2, 2023 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC After voting to expel corrupt House Representative George Santos this week, Congress has recruited a few folks who were experts in using social rejection as a form of punishment – Mennonites. “We don’t […]

Unger the Influence

Nobel Peace Prize to Be Renamed ‘Henry Kissinger Memorial Award’

November 30, 2023 Andrew

OSLO, NORWAY After the passing of everyone’s favourite war criminal this week, the Nobel committee in Oslo has decided to solidify the mistake they made in 1973 by renaming the Nobel Peace Prize as the […]

Unger the Influence

Tiny Village of Rosengard Overlooked in Throne Speech Yet Again

November 23, 2023 Andrew

ROSENGARD, MB All 15 residents of Rosengard, Manitoba are upset this week after Premier Wab Kinew’s throne speech failed to even mention them. “We are the 5341st largest community in this province,” said local man […]

Unger the Influence

Danielle Smith Announces $334 Billion Plan to Drill for Essential Oils

November 13, 2023 Andrew

EDMONTON, AB Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has just announced a new $334 billion investment in essential oil-drilling, contingent on Alberta getting out of the Canada Pension Plan. “We can handle your pension money. Just trust […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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