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Unger the Influence

Unger & Thirst

Poutine Wins 5th Term with 88% of the Vote

March 22, 2024 Andrew

MONTREAL, QC A box of delicious greasy poutine has won a whopping 88% of the popular vote this week, although some have doubts about the validity of the results. “I didn’t vote for poutine. My […]

Unger the Influence

Tucker Carlson Completely Mesmerized by Low Prices at Local Thrift Store

February 22, 2024 Andrew

BLUMENBACH, AB Following his whirlwind tour of Russia, “journalist” Tucker Carlson is in northern Alberta this week visiting a small Mennonite village where he appeared to be totally enamoured with the low prices at the […]

Unger the Influence

Federal Court Says Trudeau’s Use of Pineapple on Pizza was “Unjustified”

January 26, 2024 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON A federal judge has just ruled that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau brazenly violated the rights of several pizzas in 2022 by placing pineapple right there next to the ham. “Given the circumstances, I […]

Unger the Influence

Mennonites Arrested in Washington for Being Way Too Peaceful

January 18, 2024 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC 130 hymn-singing Mennonites were arrested in Washington, DC this week and charged with being, “like, way too peaceful and stuff.” The arrests came after several dozen Mennonites sat down in the Cannon Hill […]

Unger the Influence

Congress Hire Mennonites to Shun George Santos

December 2, 2023 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC After voting to expel corrupt House Representative George Santos this week, Congress has recruited a few folks who were experts in using social rejection as a form of punishment – Mennonites. “We don’t […]

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