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Unger & Thirst

Unger & Thirst

Global Mennonite Weight Increases 50 Million Pounds Over the Holiday Season

January 2, 2017 Andrew

LANCASTER, PA Scientists at the Center for Mennonite Health in Lancaster, Pennsylvania have estimated that the collective weight of Mennonites on planet Earth reached 420 million pounds during the 2016 holiday season, an increase of […]

Unger & Thirst

Local Pastor Offers Mennonite Hangover Cures

January 1, 2017 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB In his morning sermon, a local pastor at Steinbach’s EMBM church is providing his congregants with sage advice to overcome holiday hangovers. “I’m a practical man,” said Pastor Tim. “I’m giving the people […]

Unger & Thirst

Steinbach Water Tower to be Filled With Champagne for New Year’s Eve

December 31, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Once the most prominent structure on the Steinbach skyline, in recent years the water tower has been surpassed in prominence by the SCU building, the curling rink, and numerous ever-expanding churches. In an effort to […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Woman Overdoses on Christmas Oranges

December 26, 2016 Andrew

KLEEFELD, MB Local woman Mrs. Helen F. Gerbrandt, 76, of the Kleefeld area was hospitalized yesterday after consuming more than thirty Mandarin oranges in a single sitting. “She’s got way too much Vitamin C in her body,” […]

Unger & Thirst

Massive Amounts of Halva Left Over Yet Again This Year

December 25, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB For some odd reason, the mysterious sandy substance known as halva has become a Mennonite delicacy every Christmas. Yet, like always, Grandma Loewen vastly over-estimated the grandkids’ desire to eat the dry paste. “Juama […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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