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Unger & Thirst

Unger & Thirst

Massive Amounts of Halva Left Over Yet Again This Year

December 25, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB For some odd reason, the mysterious sandy substance known as halva has become a Mennonite delicacy every Christmas. Yet, like always, Grandma Loewen vastly over-estimated the grandkids’ desire to eat the dry paste. “Juama […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Grandmas Frantically Fill Paper Bags with Peanuts

December 22, 2016 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Grandmothers throughout southern Manitoba have been working in shifts at a local factory to fill tens of thousands of paper bags with peanuts in time for upcoming Christmas gatherings. The paper bags, also […]

Unger & Thirst

New Improved Gnurpel Now ‘Extra Chewy’

December 17, 2016 Andrew

VANDERHOOF, BC For Mennonites who prefer to chew on cartilage rather than eat actual meat, Epp Family Meats’ new improved gnurpel offers an extra chewy experience. “We’ve been breeding our chicken, cattle and pigs to be extra […]

Unger & Thirst

A Closet-Drinker’s Guide to the Mennonite Treasury Cookbook

December 15, 2016 Andrew

The Mennonite Treasury Cookbook is a veritable bounty of classic Mennonite recipes. However, until now Mennonites were left completely on their own when determining what beverage to closet-drink with their chosen dish. Thanks to extensive testing […]

Unger & Thirst

Chinese Food Officially Mennonite’s Second Favourite

December 12, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB A new government of Canada survey has concluded that Americanized Chinese food is officially the second favourite cuisine of Canadian Mennonites. “Mennonite classics like formavorscht and borscht will always be number one,” said local […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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