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Unger & Thirst

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite CPAP Machine Provides Continuous Flow of Schmaunt Fat

January 10, 2018 Andrew

HERBERT, SK Cardiologists in the small town of Herbert, Saskatchewan are testing out a new CPAP machine that would provide Mennonites with a continuous flow of schmaunt fat while they sleep. Local man Dale Broesky […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonites Really Excited for Tonight’s Golden Globe Awards

January 7, 2018 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC While Hollywood gathers to dress up nice and congratulate itself, Russian Mennonites across North America are going to be celebrating their own Golden Globe Awards tonight. The Mennonite Golden Globes, held annually in […]

Unger & Thirst

Conservative Mennonite Church Approves Drinking Bud Light ‘Since it’s Not Really Beer Anyway’

January 6, 2018 Andrew

JANSEN, NE A strict Mennonite church in the small town of Jansen, Nebraska has broken decades of teetotaller tradition by approving the consumption of Bud Light. At a membership meeting on Saturday, the church board […]

Unger & Thirst

After Last Night Hanover Municipality Renamed ‘Hangover’

January 1, 2018 Andrew

HANGOVER, MB After a night in which dozens of Mennonite in the Hanover area drank copious amounts of Papsi and water, area residents have voted to rename the area ‘Hangover.’ “Ugh, after three Papsis and […]

Unger & Thirst

Fourth Wiseman Rejected for Bringing Halva

December 23, 2017 Andrew

BETHLEHEM, JUDEA The fourth wiseman, Peter Wiebe, who followed the star all the way from the East Reserve, was apparently turned away at the entrance to Bethlehem this week for bringing the dry chalky substance […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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