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Unger Conviction

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Mennonite Church Shut Down Has Anabaptists Reluctantly Attending Episcopal Churches

January 14, 2019 Andrew

HARRISONBURG, VA A nationwide Mennonite church shut down, now the longest in U.S. history, has Anabaptists scrambling to figure out “where the heck we’re going to worship on Sunday morning.” Most have decided to give […]

Unger Conviction

Church Cell Group Consists Mostly of Endoplasmic Reticulum

January 8, 2019 Andrew

CALGARY, AB A new scientific analysis from the University of Southern Alberta has demonstrated that the vast majority of church cell groups consist of nothing more than endoplasmic reticulum. “We were hoping to find some […]

Unger Conviction

New Pill Cures Hymnal Dysfunction

January 2, 2019 Andrew

MOUNTAIN LAKE, MN As Mennonite men age, many of them experience a decreased ability to hold a hymnal upright during the service. Doctors in Mountain Lake say Hymnal Dysfunction affects one in three men over […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Woman Bravely Opts to Forgo Candle Drip-Guard

December 24, 2018 Andrew

MOUNTAIN LAKE, MN Brave Mrs. Allison Koop, 41, decided to toss away the paper candle-wax guard during tonight’s Christmas Eve service. Koop is widely regarded as the toughest woman in Mountain Lake for her ability […]

Unger Conviction

Local Mennonite Church Becomes First Ever to Make it All the Way Through ‘Der Friedensfürst’ Without Messing Up

December 22, 2018 Andrew

WITMARSUM, BRAZIL The EMMBC church of Witmarsum, Brazil is in celebration tonight after becoming the first Mennonite church ever to successfully make it through the complex four-part harmonies of ‘Der Friedensfürst‘ without a single screw […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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