“Buying Crackers is For Suckers!” Claims Mennonite Woman


Local woman Mrs. Schellenberg, 68, of Carman has amassed a stockpile of more than 10,000 packages of Premium Plus crackers that she’s swiped from local restaurants over the past twenty years.

“Buying crackers is for suckers,” said Mrs. Schellenberg. “Why shell out the cash when they’re giving this stuff away for free at basically any Chicken Chef or Smitty’s?”

Local restaurant owners have tolerated her behaviour for years, but are starting to take action.

“We’ve got her picture up at the till,” said Mr. Klassen. “But she’s a sneaky woman. Sometimes she even takes off her duak so that our security people don’t recognize her.”

Schellenberg pocketed more than a dozen packets of crackers on a recent visit to the local Chicken Chef.

“Plus, I always save a couple napkins and a few breath mints,” said Mrs. Schellenberg. “I can scratch a lot of items off my shopping list just by having coffee with the girls a couple times a week.”

Mrs. Schellenberg also managed to pay her coffee bill by picking up the unused coins that people left behind on all the tables.

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