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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Strip Poker Game Sends Three to Hospital

October 4, 2016 Andrew

ALTONA, MB Three young Mennonites are in critical condition at the Altona Hospital this evening after a strip poker game went badly wrong. The local variation of the game requires participants to add layers of […]

Unger & Thirst

Elderly Mennonite Man Tries a Hamburger for the First Time

October 3, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB After numerous construction delays, the Manitoba burger chain Salisbury House has finally hit the big time and opened a branch in the small Mennonite town of Steinbach, Manitoba, where Arnold F. Vogt, 81, had […]

Unger Suspicion

Gary Bettman Attempts to Move the Steinbach Pistons to Arizona

October 3, 2016 Andrew

GLENDALE, AZ Villainous NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman has laid out plans to move every Manitoba Junior Hockey team, including the beloved Steinbach Pistons, to small towns throughout Arizona. “We’ve already ruined the NHL by placing […]

Unger Conviction

New Study Shows Mennonites Feel 6% More Guilt Than Catholics

October 2, 2016 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON A new study from the University of Kitchener suggests that Mennonites experience only slightly more guilt than their Roman Catholic counterparts. While both groups experience similar levels of guilt and shame on issues of food and […]

The Daily Bonnet

Everyone’s at the MCC Right Now, What Are You Doing on Facebook?

October 1, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Like, seriously, now, who’s even reading this? It’s the middle of the day on Saturday, which means that absolutely everyone in Steinbach is at the MCC thrift store, which closes at 3. Good […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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