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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Students Petition CMU for ‘Hipster Discount’

September 7, 2016 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB A group of millennial students at Canadian Mennonite University have asked the institution for a discount on their tuition because they are hipsters. “Children of alumni, missionary kids, pastor’s kids – they all […]

Unger Suspicion

Tourists Shocked by Absence of Bonnets in Southern Manitoba

September 6, 2016 Andrew

NEUBERGTHAL, MB With an attractive exchange rate and lower fuel prices, thousands of tourists from North Dakota and Minnesota have been lured north over the border to Manitoba this summer, due in part to the […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Works His Usual 18 Hours on Labour Day

September 5, 2016 Andrew

YARROW, BC Exhibiting the most extreme manifestation of the “Protestant work ethic,” local butcher Helmut Siemens of Yarrow spent every waking moment making farmer sausage this Labour Day. “I don’t take a day off unless it’s the […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Wagers His Sod Hut on Today’s Football Game

September 4, 2016 Andrew

REGINA, SK An area man will be homeless tonight if the Winnipeg Blue Bombers fail to beat the Saskatchewan Roughriders in today’s Labour Day Classic football match. “I’m so confident the Bombers will win, I […]

The Daily Bonnet

How to Win at the Mennonite Game: Swiss Edition

September 3, 2016 Andrew

Typical for Dutch-Prussian-Russian Mennonites, the so-called “comprehensive” guide to the Mennonite Game published yesterday contained a few startling biases such as names of rivers and Uncles. In order to address these issues, a generous Swiss Mennonite reader […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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