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Articles by Andrew

Unger & Thirst

Police Raid Home Suspected of Hosting Wild All-Night Tupperware Party

April 21, 2017 Andrew

GOSHEN, IN More than a dozen Mennonite ladies were taken into custody last night after police were called to break up the wildest Tupperware party Goshen has ever seen. “We were alerted to the problem […]

The Daily Bonnet

Car Air Conditioner to Face Off Against Heated Seat in Epic Battle this April

April 20, 2017 Andrew

MITCHELL, MB The Hieberts are a lovely couple with a happy marriage…or so they thought. Since the beginning of April the Mitchell area couple have been engaged in an epic struggle for temperature control during recent […]

The Daily Bonnet

Dutch Blitz Tournament Results in Hundreds of Casualties

April 20, 2017 Andrew

LANCASTER, PA More than three-hundred serious injuries and five fatalities were reported at this year’s Lancaster Senior’s Dutch Blitz tournament. Event organizers, however, say that the results are “typical.” “This is just as we expected. […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Child Found Four Days Later Still Searching for Easter Egg

April 20, 2017 Andrew

MORDEN, MB Four days after the annual Giesbrecht family easter egg hunt a distraught Timothy Giesbrecht, 6, was located in Oma and Opa’s backyard frantically searching for the colourful hard-boiled treat. “This is the last time we […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Almost Fornicates With His Own Wife

April 19, 2017 Andrew

LA CRETE, AB After hearing a fiery sermon on marital purity at the local Mennonite church, area man Mr. Petey B. Krahn has vowed never to fornicate with his wife again. However, he nearly broke […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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