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Articles by Andrew

Unger Conviction

Grandma Loewen’s Vibrato Triggers Massive Earthquake

May 8, 2017 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC A massive 7.2 earthquake struck the Fraser Valley this past Sunday. Local seismologists have traced the source of the quake to Mrs. Martha Loewen’s uncontrollable vibrato singing at the local Mennonite church. “We […]

Unger Games

Oilers Blow 6 Goal Lead, Lose 8-7

May 7, 2017 Andrew

EDMONTON, AB Up 7-1 after 2 periods the Edmonton Oilers did what everyone was expecting and blew their 6 goal lead to the Anaheim Ducks. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” said longtime Oilers fan […]

Unger Suspicion

Anti-Vaxxer to Marry Flat-Earther

May 7, 2017 Andrew

REGINA, SK When committed anti-vaxxer Bertha Epp met flat-earther Harry Froese on an online message board last fall, it only took Bertha two hours of chatting to know Harry was the man for her. “We both […]

The Daily Bonnet

The Most Effective Mennonite Pick-Up Lines

May 6, 2017 Andrew

The Daily Bonnet sent out a team of single people (spinsters, grumpy old men, young people being pressured by their frintschoft to ‘get married already’, etc.) to try out their best pick-up lines. Their effectiveness […]

Unger & Thirst

Knackzoat Found in Last Summer’s Jean Shorts “Still Perfectly Edible” Says Local Man

May 5, 2017 Andrew

ALTONA, MB Local man Ernie Toews, 75, considered himself the “luckiest man in Altona” this past Saturday after he slid into a pair of old cut-off jean shorts that he hadn’t worn since last summer […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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