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Articles by Andrew

Unger Conviction

Local Heart Surgeon Locates Jesus

December 1, 2018 Andrew

WINKLER, MB A local surgeon has finally discovered the exact location of Jesus in the human heart. Just this past week, Dr. Penner opened up Mr. Klassen’s ticker and found Jesus. “Scientists have been trying […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Man Sits at End of Pew, Absolutely Refuses to Scooch Over

November 30, 2018 Andrew

NORTH KILDONAN, MB Mr. Ralph Ens of North Kildonan sat himself down at the end of the pew this past Sunday and was perfectly content to have each and every person climb over him to […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Woman Dies, Donates Her Organs

November 29, 2018 Andrew

CHORTITZ, SK Local woman Mrs. Wiebe passed away peacefully in her sleep this past Sunday. Thankfully, however, she signed her organ donor card and her wide selection of electric home organs have gone to someone […]

Unger Suspicion

Spoiler Alert: Simba is Pacifist in New ‘Lion King’ Remake

November 28, 2018 Andrew

HOLLYWOOD, CA In an effort to clean up the violent image of the previous film, the good folks at Disney have made a refreshing change to the new Lion King movie. Instead of defeating the […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Cooking to Be Rebranded as ‘Keto Diet’

November 27, 2018 Andrew

ALTONA, MB In an effort to capitalize on the latest fad diet, the ladies at the local Mennonite church have decided to rebrand ‘The EMMC Ladies Cookbook’ as simply ‘Cooking Keto.’ The ladies decided to […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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