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Articles by Andrew

Unger Suspicion

Patrik Laine Considers Bringing Back ‘Lucky Mennonite Beard’ After Recent Slump

January 10, 2019 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Young Finnish phenom Patrik Laine has been in a slump as of late and hockey experts are pointing to only one possible cause of his scoreless streak – shaving off his Menno beard. […]

The Daily Bonnet

Winkler Politician Demands $5 Billion Wall Around Morden

January 9, 2019 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Church board member and man-about-town Mr. Toews of Winkler is threatening to shut down the local government unless the local senate approves a $5.7 billon wall around the neighbouring town of Morden. “You […]

Unger Conviction

Church Cell Group Consists Mostly of Endoplasmic Reticulum

January 8, 2019 Andrew

CALGARY, AB A new scientific analysis from the University of Southern Alberta has demonstrated that the vast majority of church cell groups consist of nothing more than endoplasmic reticulum. “We were hoping to find some […]

Unger Suspicion

Petition Calls for Entire State of Minnesota to Join Canada

January 7, 2019 Andrew

ST. PAUL, MN Already at more than 7,000 signatures, a binding online petition, will see the entire state of Minnesota join its neighbour to the north when it reaches the 10,000 signature threshold. “I’ve always […]

The Daily Bonnet

Cousin Aggie Caught Flipping Two Cards at a Time Instead of Three

January 6, 2019 Andrew

LANCASTER, PA Cousin Aganetha has been barred from ever attending another Sunday afternoon Dutch Blitz match after it was discovered she had been flipping over just two cards at a time from the “Wood Pile” […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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