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Articles by Andrew

Unger Suspicion

Philippines to Canada: “We Don’t Want Your Trash!”

May 29, 2019 Andrew

MANILA, PHILIPPINES In recent days, Malaysia has joined the Philippines in denouncing Canada and demanding that Justin Bieber be returned to North America. “We’re sick and tired of Canada sending us all their unwanted trash,” […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Sells His Toronto Raptors Seat to Buy $400,000 Combine

May 28, 2019 Andrew

TORONTO, ON It was an offer he couldn’t refuse. When Mr. Wiens was offered almost half a million dollars for his court-side seat to Thursday’s game one of the NBA Finals in Toronto, it was […]

Unger Suspicion

Local Phone Book Now Offered Exclusively in Large Print

May 27, 2019 Andrew

STEINWERK, MB The annual local phone book will now be available exclusively in large print. The change is seen as a way of catering to the only demographic that still actually uses phone books. “The town […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man with Pickup Truck Constantly Asked to Help Move

May 25, 2019 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Local pickup truck owner Keith Dueck, 33, is going to be pretty busy this summer moving all his friends to their new homes. “I’m pretty booked up,” said Dueck. “I guess that’s what […]

Unger Suspicion

Menno Simons to be Featured in New XBox Game

May 24, 2019 Andrew

REDMOND, WA Anabaptist leader Menno Simons will be featured in a new XBox game aimed at getting more Mennonite teenagers to play video games. “This is the first game we’ve ever made that features absolutely no […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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