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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

New Gun Control Laws Leave Local Man “Completely Defenceless” Against Government Armed with Tanks and Fighter Jets

May 7, 2020 Andrew

LA CRETE, AB Local man Mr. Wiebe, who left the Mennonite Church decades ago to attend one more receptive to his gun-toting lifestyle, is just now starting to wonder whether his remaining collection of legal […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Couple Name Newborn ‘X Æ A-12 Reimer’

May 6, 2020 Andrew

MITCHELL, MB Manitoba’s newest Mennonite was born at 11:03 pm last night. Proud parents Elon and Claire Reimer have decided to name their child ‘X Æ A-12’ for some reason. “What other options did we […]

Unger Suspicion

The Top Ten Best Pandemic Pick-Up Lines

May 5, 2020 Andrew

The pandemic is certainly making things more difficult, romance-wise. I think we’re all grateful we won’t have to attend any weddings this summer, but it would be nice to at least know there are some […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Assembles Every Single Piece of Furniture in His Entire House with Just this One Allen Key

May 5, 2020 Andrew

SASKATOON, SK The Driedgers of Saskatoon just moved into a lovely new bungalow in Silverwood Heights and Dan Driedger, an accountant during the day, immediately set himself to the task of unboxing and assembling all […]

Unger & Thirst

Vegetables Left Untouched After Mennonite Woman Brings Nanaimo Bars

May 4, 2020 Andrew

NANAIMO, BC When the Friesens moved out to Vancouver Island to retire in 1998, little did they know that they’d spend their golden years indulging on sweet treats that their Prairie Mennonite stomachs could only […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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