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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man’s Car Spotted in Liquor Store Parking Lot

May 27, 2020 Andrew

MORDEN, MB There’s a reason why Mennonites drive nondescript vehicles – so they don’t get identified in the liquor store parking lot. Well, obviously Mr. Wiens did not consider all the implications of his decision […]

Unger Games

Brandon Wheat Kings Qualify for Expanded NHL Playoffs

May 26, 2020 Andrew

BRANDON, MB NHL commissioner Gary Bettman announced an expanded NHL playoff schedule that will include more than three thousand teams, including the Brandon Wheat Kings, Winkler Flyers, and Avangard Omsk. “After all the hardship we’ve […]

Unger & Thirst

Resourceful Mennonite Woman Makes Do With Hamburger Patties and Hot Dog Buns

May 25, 2020 Andrew

WINKLER, MB It was a peculiar combination, but Mrs. Doerksen managed to hold a Doerksen family BBQ this weekend even though she’d completely run out of hamburger buns. “Mench ekj saj, the hamburgers come in […]

Unger & Thirst

How To Knack Your Zoat While Wearing A Mask

May 24, 2020 Andrew

ALTONA, MB Researchers at the University of Jantsied have spent the past two months solving the greatest challenge facing Mennonites these days: how to knack your zoat while wearing a face mask. Thanks to the […]

The Daily Bonnet

NASA Report: Mennonites Live in Parallel Universe Where Time Runs Backwards

May 23, 2020 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC Observations into deep space have recently uncovered strong evidence that Mennonites are all living in a parallel universe where time runs backwards. “According to our studies, it seems that the Big Bang created […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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