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Articles by Andrew

Unger the Influence

Mennonites Arrested in Washington for Being Way Too Peaceful

January 18, 2024 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC 130 hymn-singing Mennonites were arrested in Washington, DC this week and charged with being, “like, way too peaceful and stuff.” The arrests came after several dozen Mennonites sat down in the Cannon Hill […]

Unger Games

F1 Fans Really Excited for New Mennonite Driver Max Fe’schlucken

January 17, 2024 Andrew

FRANCORCHAMPS, BELGIUM Formula 1 fans are really excited to see new young Mennonite driver Max Fe’schlucken, who hopes to be the first F1 driver to win a Grand Prix using only a team of horses. […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman to Go Around Naked Now that Reitman’s is Closed

January 16, 2024 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Area woman Agatha Martens, 73, is concerned she’ll be left with absolutely nothing to wear now that Reitman’s is closing. Martens relied so heavily on purchasing her floral blouses and navy blue slacks […]

Unger Games

Arena to Change Name Every Couple Years So You Never Remember What it’s Called

January 15, 2024 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB The downtown arena in Winnipeg has a radical new plan to make sure sports and music fans alike never know what the heck it’s called these days. “At first we thought we’d change […]

The Daily Bonnet

House Fails to Warm Up After Mennonite Man Puts on the Fireplace Channel

January 14, 2024 Andrew

EDMONTON, AB An unprecedented cold snap had John Goerzen of Edmonton trying everything he could to warm the house up. Unfortunately for Goerzen, putting on the fireplace channel did absolutely nothing to increase the temperature. […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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