Canadians Gather to Celebrate 149 Years of Not Being America


Patriotic Canadians across the country will gather today to celebrate a really long time of not being the United States of America.

“Canadians are a completely distinct culture. We have, like, slightly different football, it’s colder here, ummm, we have the CBC, oh, yeah, and some of us speak French,” explained Darren Patrick of Toronto. “I admit that I catch an episode of The Bachelor every once in a while, but for the most part I stick to Canadian content, and would even if the government didn’t force it on us.”

Fireworks are being prepared for tonight’s festivities, and many Canadians are already consuming the nation’s one truly national dish – mushy french fries with lots of crap thrown on top. “It’s darn tasty,” claim drunk Canadians everywhere.

“There are many things Canadians can be proud of and poutine is just one of them,” said Patrick. “Also, we’re further north and our cities are really far apart.”

Other Canadian traditions to be celebrated today include: universal health care, watery beer, sliding huge chunks of granite down ice sheets, beavers, and having a member of the Trudeau family in the House of Commons.

Millions of Canadians will celebrate the nation by taking the day off to head down and get awesome deals at a proper American Target store.

(Photo Credit: by davebloggs007/CC)

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