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Month: July 2017

The Daily Bonnet

Winkler Hires Taunte Nettie as City’s First Female Cop

July 26, 2017 Andrew

WINKLER, MB In a press conference this morning, Winkler mayor Milton Heinrichs announced the hiring of the city’s first female police officer. After searching for more than 12 years for a suitable candidate, the committee […]

Unger Suspicion

Assiniboine Park Zoo Opens Up New Mosquito Exhibit

July 25, 2017 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Assiniboine Park Zoo, Winnipeg’s pre-emininent zoological exhibition, is set to open a fantastic new attraction featuring Manitoba’s most famous living creature, the mosquito. “After extensive renovations, we’re finally ready to open the new mosquito […]

The Daily Bonnet

Outhouses Coming Back in Style with Trendy Mennonite Millennials

July 24, 2017 Andrew

MORDEN, MB Everything old is new again it seems. That certainly is the case with outhouses. In the last year, outhouses have received a huge upsurge in interest among hip young Mennonites. “They’re mega-rad and retro,” […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Couple Celebrates 40 Years of Marriage by Getting Separate Beds

July 24, 2017 Andrew

PANSY, MB Local couple Dirk and Maria Unrau have decided to commemorate their 40th wedding anniversary by replacing their Queen size bed with two double beds. “It was time I got a good night’s sleep […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Mafia to Branch into Legal Weed

July 23, 2017 Andrew

CHIHUAHUA, MEXICO With legalization of marijuana on the near horizon in Canada, the Mennonite mafia has decided to use their already well-established network of dealers to hawk legal weed. “Oba, we yust couldn’t pass app […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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