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toews

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonites Shocked as Oscar Announcer Pronounces ‘Toews’ Correctly

March 14, 2023 Andrew

HOLLYWOOD, CA The most shocking moment in Sunday’s Oscar broadcast was not a slap or an errant envelope, but the fact that the Oscar folks pronounced ‘Toews’ correctly. “Oh, great, here it comes. He’s going […]

The Daily Bonnet

NHL Teams Clamour to Sign Any Toews They Can

July 2, 2022 Andrew

DENVER, CO After the Stanley Cup successes of Jonathan Toews and Devon Toews (no relation), NHL squads are now looking to sign any and every Toews they can get their hands on. “Get a Toews […]

Unger & Thirst

Toews Fills Stanley Cup with Delicious Somma Borscht

June 29, 2022 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC The ladies from the Abbotsford auxiliary borscht committee were working late into the night yesterday to pick out all the little bits of sorrel and beet greens that had become lodged in the […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mr. Toews Realizes He’s Been Saying His Own Name Wrong This Whole Time

May 18, 2022 Andrew

KILLARNEY, MB An encounter with a Winkler man who says all Mennonite surnames the correct way, had Mr. Toews of Killarney rethinking everything he thought he knew about how to say his own name. “Diewel, […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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