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The Daily Bonnet

Cousin Peter Friesen Gets Really Into Punk Rock

May 14, 2019 Andrew

LANDMARK, MB After experimenting with EDM for the past decade, cousin Peter Friesen has recently become “totally stoked” about Landmark’s burgeoning punk rock scene over the past six months. “This place is the new Seattle,” […]

Unger Conviction

“Hymn 606 is Over-rated,” Declares Mennonite Hipster

April 1, 2019 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Tyson Hendrix-Wiebe, a 22-year-old CMU student, caused quite a stir on social media this week after declaring Hymn 606 to be “like, totally, over-rated.” “All those people who claim they like 606 are […]

Unger Suspicion

Minor Hockey Team Loses Miserably After Forgetting to Play ‘We Will Rock You’

February 23, 2019 Andrew

KENORA, ON A minor hockey team in Kenora is in tears tonight after the sound guy at the arena forgot to play “We Will Rock You” as the team entered the ice. The team subsequently […]

Unger Suspicion

New Biopic Reveals Freddie Mercury’s ‘Secret Wild Mennonite Life’

February 16, 2019 Andrew

LONDON, UK A popular new biopic, Blumenort Rhapsody, reveals a side of Freddie Mercury’s life that has remained untold until now. From 1978-1982, the Queen singer secretly lived among the Mennonites of southern Manitoba. “At the […]

Unger Games

Mennonite Choir to Perform at Next Year’s Super Bowl

February 4, 2019 Andrew

MIAMI, FL After a dreadful half-time performance by crap-band Maroon 5 at Super Bowl LIII, the National Football League has announced that “from now on, the only entertainment you’re gonna get is a few old […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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