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The Daily Bonnet

Ferrari Bans Mennonite Man from Buying Any More Cars

June 15, 2022 Andrew

MARANELLO, IT Prestigious Italian automaker Ferrari has banned Kjnels Wiebe of Taber, Alberta from buying any more cars after he “totally wrecked the aesthetic of the whole thing.” “You should see the spoiler he put […]

Unger Suspicion

Tim Hortons Collaborates with Gordon Lightfoot for New ‘Gordon Bits’

December 22, 2021 Andrew

HAMILTON, ON Fresh off the heals of their Justin Bieber collaboration, donut manufacturer Tim Hortons has decided to make sweet tasty balls with the second most legendary Canadian musician they could find, Gordon Lightfoot. “I […]

Unger & Thirst

Tim Hortons Collabs with Mr. Wiebe to Offer New Line of Mennonite Products

December 11, 2021 Andrew

OAKVILLE, ON Justin Wiebe, 23, of London, Ontario has just signed a lucrative $8,000,000 contract to design Mennonite-inspired Timbits and other products for Timmies locations across Canada. “They approached me in the MB lot after […]

Unger Suspicion

Bieber Debuts Terrible New Single “Yummy” at the Most Appropriate Venue – His Local Hillsong Church

March 7, 2020 Andrew

NEW YORK, NY After proudly recording what is probably the worst song in pop music history, Justin Bieber, sporting a pink hoodie and neck tattoos, decided the most appropriate place to debut “Yummy” was at […]

Unger Suspicion

Philippines to Canada: “We Don’t Want Your Trash!”

May 29, 2019 Andrew

MANILA, PHILIPPINES In recent days, Malaysia has joined the Philippines in denouncing Canada and demanding that Justin Bieber be returned to North America. “We’re sick and tired of Canada sending us all their unwanted trash,” […]

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