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health

The Daily Bonnet

Assiniboine Zoo Now Has Higher Vaccination Rate than Southern Manitoba

March 11, 2022 Andrew

RM of STANLEY, MB After vaccinating dozens of animals against Covid-19 this week, the Assiniboine Zoo in Winnipeg officially has a higher vaccination rate than the RM of Stanley near Winkler. “Ahh, nice, looks like […]

Unger & Thirst

Skeptical Mennonite Man Refuses to Eat Sausage Because He “Doesn’t Know What’s In It”

February 2, 2022 Andrew

LINDEN, AB Like most Mennonite men, local man Jack Fehr treats his body like a temple and refuses to put anything into it until he’s researched the full list of ingredients. This healthy skepticism has […]

The Daily Bonnet

Oma Krahn Variant BA.2 to Be Named “Opa Krahn”

January 31, 2022 Andrew

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND Scientists announced in a press conference in Geneva this afternoon that the new Oma Krahn variant BA.2 would be known as Opa Krahn. “We talked to Oma and she said she was more […]

Unger & Thirst

Winkler Supermarket Starts Selling Liquor to Convince Mennonites to Cover Their Faces

January 20, 2022 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Earlier this week Winkler’s favourite grocery store Seea Goot Mart added vodka and rum to store shelves in an effort to convince locals to cover their faces like they’re supposed to. “I guess […]

Unger Games

Djokovic Teams Up With Oma Krahn for Mixed Doubles Tournament

January 18, 2022 Andrew

MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA Just days after being booted out of Australia, deported tennis superstar Novak Djokovic has already selected a new partner for an upcoming mixed doubles tournament. “I met Oma Krahn in Hofnungschanzenhimmelsfeld, Manitoba while […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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