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health

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonites Being Extra Careful These Days

March 13, 2020 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC The Abbotsford Men’s Crokinole League is taking extra precautions these days and has implemented a league-wide policy requiring knipsers to wrap their knipsing fingers in plastic bags. “We are taking every measure to […]

Unger Games

XFL to Play in Front of Empty Stadiums Just Like Normal

March 12, 2020 Andrew

SEATTLE, WA It’s business as usual for the only sports league left playing these days, the XFL. As per usual, the league will play in near empty 60,000 seat stadiums for the remainder of the […]

The Daily Bonnet

Local Man Selling Hand Sanitizer for $80 a Squirt

March 10, 2020 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB After snagging the last remaining bottles of hand sanitizer in Steinbach, local man Mr. Dueck is now standing on the corner of Main and Reimer asking for eighty bucks a squirt. “The response […]

Unger & Thirst

Frantic Mennonites Stockpile Hand Sanitizer, Toilet Paper, and Farmer Sausage

March 8, 2020 Andrew

LA CRETE, AB Thousands of Mennonites across North America were totally freaking out at the prospect of having to quarantine themselves for a couple weeks should they be in the unfortunate situation of having not […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Reluctantly Agrees to Wash His Hands Once in a While to Prevent Coronavirus

March 3, 2020 Andrew

GNADENHUNT, MB After being persuaded by his wife, mother and pastor on the dangers of the new coronavirus, Mr. Toews has agreed that he’ll run some lukewarm water on his hands at least once a […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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