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health

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Church Allows Dancing Now that Everyone Has to Keep Six Feet Apart

March 25, 2020 Andrew

SWIFT CURRENT, SK Given the circumstances, even the strictest Mennonite churches have decided to relax the rules when it comes to dancing. Pastor Tom has decreed that since everyone has to keep six feet apart […]

Unger Conviction

Guilt Levels Reach Record Lows as Mennonites Stay Home on Sundays

March 24, 2020 Andrew

LA CRETE, AB Mennonites around the globe were feeling a lot more chill about their behaviour than normal after not attending church services the past couple weeks. “It’s strange. I feel kind of free, you […]

Unger Suspicion

Idiot Spring Breakers Force Sharks to Take Matters Into Their Own Hands

March 20, 2020 Andrew

MIAMI, FL After tens of thousands of irresponsible “dude bros” disregarded health officials and decided that the pandemic wasn’t going to stop them from partying and spreading the disease to their elderly relatives, local sharks […]

Unger Suspicion

Local Man Washes Hands to the Entire ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ Album

March 20, 2020 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC Burned out rocker Abe Dueck, 61, of Abbotsford has decided to wash his hands eight or nine times a day to all 42 minutes of Pink Floyd’s ‘Dark Side of the Moon’. “Breathe, […]

The Daily Bonnet

Shunned Mennonites Feeling Super Safe Right Now

March 18, 2020 Andrew

BIRD-IN-HAND, PA Mrs. Beiler, 63, who was shunned three months ago after wearing a knee-length skirt to a church potluck, is among the safest people on the planet these days. “The shunning was bad at […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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