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health

Unger Suspicion

Idiot Spring Breakers Force Sharks to Take Matters Into Their Own Hands

March 20, 2020 Andrew

MIAMI, FL After tens of thousands of irresponsible “dude bros” disregarded health officials and decided that the pandemic wasn’t going to stop them from partying and spreading the disease to their elderly relatives, local sharks […]

Unger Suspicion

Local Man Washes Hands to the Entire ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ Album

March 20, 2020 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC Burned out rocker Abe Dueck, 61, of Abbotsford has decided to wash his hands eight or nine times a day to all 42 minutes of Pink Floyd’s ‘Dark Side of the Moon’. “Breathe, […]

The Daily Bonnet

Shunned Mennonites Feeling Super Safe Right Now

March 18, 2020 Andrew

BIRD-IN-HAND, PA Mrs. Beiler, 63, who was shunned three months ago after wearing a knee-length skirt to a church potluck, is among the safest people on the planet these days. “The shunning was bad at […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Self-Isolates After Visit to Jantsied

March 17, 2020 Andrew

DITSIED, MB Mr. Harder of Ditsied is in self-imposed quarantine for the next two weeks after an “international” trip he took to the other side of the river. “I went all the way to Jantsied,” […]

Unger Suspicion

Scientists Have Traced the Origins of ‘Idiot Hoarder Disease’

March 16, 2020 Andrew

MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA Scientists at the University of Australia have successfully isolated the origin of the ‘Idiot Hoarder’ virus that is ravaging the planet. “We’ve traced it back to a fight between two men in their […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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