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Unger & Thirst

“But I Didn’t Inhale”: Mennonite Politician Confesses to Consuming Borscht

February 11, 2019 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON In a recent television interview, Canadian MP Lina Klippenstein confessed to consuming large quantities of komst borscht during her “wild college days.” “I’m not going to lie to you,” said Klippenstein. “It was […]

Unger Suspicion

Florida Hires Expert to Help with Election Recount

November 16, 2018 Andrew

TALLAHASSEE, FL Seemingly unable to ever get through an election without some sort of foul up, the State of Florida has hired the purple counting guy from Sesame Street to help with the recount. “We’ve […]

Unger Conviction

Church Affiliation to be Included on New Steinbach Election Ballots

October 27, 2018 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB In an effort to reduce lineups and assist the voting process, a local group is petitioning Steinbach to include each candidate’s church affiliation on all future ballots. “It’s the most important information there […]

The Daily Bonnet

Steinbach City Council Candidate Reveals Shocking DNA Test Results

October 23, 2018 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Local city council candidate Mr. Harder decided to take a DNA test this week after being called a “Lutheran” by one of his political rivals. The rival, Mr. Dyck, said he would donate […]

The Daily Bonnet

Breaking News! No Abes Running for Steinbach City Council this Term!

September 30, 2018 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB It’s the most shocking revelation of the 2018 campaign season: for the first time in Steinbach history, the list of city council candidates is completely Abe-less. Instead the list of candidates includes an […]

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