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The Daily Bonnet

Dolphins Return to Southern Manitoba for First Time in Centuries

April 30, 2020 Andrew

MORRIS, MB A pod of playful dolphins was spotted in the Red River near Morris this week, the first time they’ve visited the area since Mennonite settlers arrived in the 1870s. “They’re cropping up everywhere,” […]

Unger Suspicion

Idiot Spring Breakers Force Sharks to Take Matters Into Their Own Hands

March 20, 2020 Andrew

MIAMI, FL After tens of thousands of irresponsible “dude bros” disregarded health officials and decided that the pandemic wasn’t going to stop them from partying and spreading the disease to their elderly relatives, local sharks […]

Unger Suspicion

Conservatives Run Actual Donkey in Mennonite Town, Still Confident of Victory

October 17, 2019 Andrew

KLEINESCHANTZENFELD, SK So confident in the partisan loyalty of Mennonite voters, the Conservative Party of Canada ran a literal donkey in the small Mennonite town of Kleineschantzenfeld and still expect to win 87% of the […]

Unger Suspicion

Mennonite Man Blames the Clintons for the ‘Suspicious Death’ of His Prized Sheep Molly

August 13, 2019 Andrew

BIRD-IN-HAND, PA A Mennonite man who wishes to remain anonymous (for obvious reasons) is blaming the Clintons for the mysterious death of his prized sheep and long-time companion Molly. “I don’t know what to say, […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Farmer Sausage Recipe Calls for 30 to 50 Feral Hogs

August 7, 2019 Andrew

A recently uncovered recipe for traditional Mennonite farmer sausage calls for “30 to 50 feral hogs.” The document, translated from Plautdietsch, and found jammed into a hymn book at the local Bergthaler church, is believed […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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