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The Daily Bonnet

Thousands of Mennonites ‘Conscientiously Object’ to Winter

January 21, 2017 Andrew

PHOENIX, AZ Every winter Mennonites across the frozen Canadian prairies are faced with a challenge to their faith – do they stay and violently fight the cold weather or flee for the south as Weather Objectors? […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonites to Hold Annual ‘Running of the Dairy Cows’ Down Pennsylvania Avenue Today

January 20, 2017 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC Inspired by a similar tradition in small town Spain, American Mennonites plan to hold their annual ‘Running of the Dairy Cows’ today in Washington, DC. “It’s nice to see they’ve already roped off […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mrs. Henry L. Funk Celebrates Fifty Years of Using Her Husband’s Name

January 20, 2017 Andrew

KRONSGARTEN, MB Local woman Mrs. Henry L. Funk is celebrating fifty years of never using her own first name. Funk follows the Mennonite tradition of signing all her letters, postcards, and even legal documents by simply […]

The Daily Bonnet

Steinbach MCC Store Takes a Hardline Stance Against Doll Nudity

January 19, 2017 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB After an epidemic of improperly covered dolls, the Steinbach MCC has recently addressed the issue with a no-nonsense sign meant to curb the unseemly behaviour. “I couldn’t even walk down the doll aisle […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Church Signs Pastor to Massive 30-Year $1.2 Million Contract

January 18, 2017 Andrew

MORDEN, MB Free agent pastor Dave Hiebert has just inked a 30-year contract extension with the West Morden Mennonite Church. The new record-setting contract is reportedly worth close to $1.2 million spread out over the […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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