Pacifist Lions on Verge of Extinction


According to recent reports by wildlife biologists in South Africa, the population of pacifist lions has been in steady decline over the past few decades. The number of non-resistent lions is so low that experts fear they may be extinct by the year 2025.

“We think some Mennonites got in here and convinced these lions to turn the other cheek,” said Johannes Van Heerden. “I don’t know what’s gotten into them, but they just refuse to kill another living creature.”

The Mennonite lions of Kruger Park tend to live in tightly knit communities, where they do not conform to the patterns of typical lion behaviour such as stalking antelope and zebra.

“I know that Jesus said ‘blessed are the peace-makers,'” said Van Heerden, “but I’m not sure how practical that is for our lion population. They’re literally starving to death.”

There have also been reports that the hyenas and rhinos have been mocking the lions behind their back, calling them “cowardly” or “unpatriotic.”

“Those hyenas are a nasty bunch. They’ve got no tact whatsoever,” said Van Heerden. “I fully respect the right of these lions to practice their beliefs…I just hope they aren’t wiped out in the process.”

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