Steinbach Man Gets Totally Hammered on Welch’s Grape Juice


In an effort to discourage drunkenness, many Mennonite churches in the Hanover area have replaced wine with non-alcoholic grape juice during monthly communion services. Yet, somehow, every communion Sunday, local dentist, Elbert W. Berg, 41, is mysteriously intoxicated in the church pews.

“We switched from real wine to Welch’s back in the 60s,” explained Brethren pastor Thomas Peters. “So, I really don’t know why Mr. Berg is still slurring his words and stumbling all over the place after every communion service.”

Mennonites believe that consuming even the tiniest amount of alcohol contained in miniature plastic communion cups is to be avoided at all costs, but even with the precautions taken, Mr. Berg still sits in church totally wasted.

“That man really can’t hold his liquor,” said Peters. “He can’t even hold his pretend-liquor.”

The church is considering changing the sacraments altogether because even grape juice is just a little too close to being real wine. Instead, President’s Choice Black Cherry soda is being considered.

“That stuff is darn tasty,” explained Peters. “Plus, I’m pretty sure Mr. Berg won’t get drunk off it.”

Trey Parker and Matt Stone Convert to Mormonism
Comprehensive List of Steinbach Politicians Scheduled to Attend Pride March Today