Mennonite Deacon Arrested for Manspreading Across Entire Church Pew


Mennonite deacon Delbert Nussbaum, 81, was taken into custody by Kidron Police this past Sunday after churchgoers complained that the elderly man had manspread across an entire pew during the morning’s service.

“What he didn’t fill up with outstretched knees, he filled with a briefcase and Bible and study notes,” said Martha Wiebe, who witnessed the attack. “All us ladies in flower dresses had absolutely no place to sit.”

The phenomenon of manspreading has taken Mennonite churches by storm in recent months, with men of all shapes and sizes occupying far more church pew space than is necessary and seemingly completely oblivious to their behaviour.

“We’ve had to really crack down on this,” said Kidron Police Chief Martin Schultz. “In Mennonite churches all across town, we’ve got men pressing their hairy knees and elbows into the polite little old ladies around them. Something had to be done. Just imagine if it was your sister, or mother, or second cousin!”

The problem has become so bad that even some of Kidron’s more liberal Mennonite churches have reinstated gender-segregrated seating.

“Let the men manspread all over each other,” said Reverend Yoder. “Just don’t manspread into my wife Martha or I’ll manexcommunicate your sorry behind!”

Nussbaum was released later in the day on humanitarian grounds after complaining that the prison cell was a little too cramped and he needed his space.

(photo credit: Elvert Barnes/CC/modified)

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