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Unger & Thirst

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Cooking to Be Rebranded as ‘Keto Diet’

November 27, 2018 Andrew

ALTONA, MB In an effort to capitalize on the latest fad diet, the ladies at the local Mennonite church have decided to rebrand ‘The EMMC Ladies Cookbook’ as simply ‘Cooking Keto.’ The ladies decided to […]

Unger & Thirst

Steinbachers to Vote on Whether to Legalize Romaine Lettuce

November 25, 2018 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB After dozens of people have taken ill from E. coli-tainted romaine lettuce, Steinbach city council decided it was time to see how locals felt about this dangerous and addictive substance. “We’re gonna do […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Man Wins A Million Dollars Worth of Farmer Sausage After Mr. Loeppky Scores 5 Goals in Floor Hockey Game

November 24, 2018 Andrew

ROSENORT, MB After a stellar performance by Darren Loeppky in the EMC gymnasium this evening, one lucky member of the congregation is being awarded a million dollars, payable in farmer sausage over the next twenty […]

Unger & Thirst

Zwieback Added to Periodic Table of Elements

November 4, 2018 Andrew

ZURICH, SWITZERLAND The International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry has decided they’ve given up on mercury and decided to replace element 80 with the dry Mennonite bread known has zwieback. “It’s one of the […]

Unger & Thirst

Caf-Lib a Top Seller at Hip New Mennonite Coffee Shop

November 2, 2018 Andrew

REICHENBACH, MB Villagers in a small Mennonite town have been flocking to a new hip coffee shop called Oma’s Java Barn to get their hands on a cup of Oma’s delicious coffee substitute. “They can’t […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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