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Unger & Thirst

Unger & Thirst

Feds to Open Forty New Safe Schmaunt Fat Injection Sites

November 21, 2019 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON The federal government just announced this week a plan to open up more than forty supervised injection sites in Mennonite communities around the country. “We’re going to provide people with cottage cheese and […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Man Sets Up Rival Cheesesteak Shop Right Between Pat’s and Geno’s

November 20, 2019 Andrew

PHILADELPHIA, PA Residents of South Philadelphia have strong opinions about who makes the best cheesesteak, Pat’s or Geno’s. Fans are so passionate about their cheesesteaks that the occasional fight is known to break out between […]

Unger & Thirst

“Buying Crackers is For Suckers!” Claims Mennonite Woman

November 19, 2019 Andrew

CARMAN,MB Local woman Mrs. Schellenberg, 68, of Carman has amassed a stockpile of more than 10,000 packages of Premium Plus crackers that she’s swiped from local restaurants over the past twenty years. “Buying crackers is […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Woman Forgets to Put Star Anise in Her Chicken Soup

October 30, 2019 Andrew

ALTONA, MB Mrs. Toews was so thoroughly embarrassed with her failure to add star anise to her chicken soup at the soup and pie fundraiser this past week that she has vowed never to make […]

Unger & Thirst

Olive Garden Runs Out of Gift Cards During Pastor Appreciation Month

October 15, 2019 Andrew

SWIFT CURRENT, SK Olive Garden locations across the continent have been running short on gift cards after every single pastor received $20 in Olive Garden money for Pastor Appreciation Month. “At first we weren’t sure […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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