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Unger Conviction

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Preacher Encourages Young People to ‘Hover Hand’

August 15, 2018 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Reverend Toews of Vankla is praising his young people for maintaining the Mennonite tradition of not making any physical contact with the opposite sex. Recently, the phenomenon of the ‘hover hand’ was brought […]

Unger Conviction

Blood Moon ‘A Sign From God’ that the Reign of the Fundamentalist Mennonite Elders Has Come to an End

July 27, 2018 Andrew

BERGTHAL, MB Conservative Mennonites across North America are interpreting tonight’s blood moon as a ‘clear sign from God’ that they no longer have to follow the ‘bullshit rules’ of the elders and can now live […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Pastor Launches String of F-Bombs in Last Sermon Before Retirement

July 25, 2018 Andrew

REIMERSFELD, SK Local Mennonite pastor, Reverend Schmidt, whose recent lotto-649 win has afforded him an early retirement, unleashed a string of f-bombs in his final sermon as head of East Reimersfeld Mennonite. “He sure let […]

Unger Conviction

Pastor Insists on Preaching Exclusively from The Authorized Kevin James Version Bible

July 17, 2018 Andrew

SASKATOON, SK Pastor Ron of South Mennonite has been preaching the Word for close to two decades and despite pressure from some of the younger people to “get with the times” he has been adamant […]

Unger Conviction

Cold Reception in Church Lobby Sparks New Ice Age

July 16, 2018 Andrew

OMAHA, NE The entire state of Nebraska slipped into a new ice age last Sunday after members of Omaha Community Mennonite did their usual thing of talking with their friends and half-heartedly welcoming newcomers. The […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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