OTTAWA, ON
After pressure from the country’s Mennonite population, the government of Canada has decided to reallocate its entire military budget into efforts to promote peace and pacifism.
“Our goal is to spend 5% of GDP on Stanley Hauerwas books by the year 2035,” said Prime Minister Mark Carney. “We’re also dramatically increasing the presence of soup and pie fundraisers in the north.”
Current military equipment will be converted into play structures in small towns throughout the country.
“Remember those tire parks we used to have?” said Carney. “Well, just imagine the fun the kids could have running up and down tank tracks. Fully decommissioned of course. We’ll even deactivate the turrets.”
Skeptics wonder if the 5% goal is realistic or just wishful thinking.
“I know our neighbour to the south is pressuring us to be more peaceful and stop spending so much on the military, but I’m just not sure we can reach this goal,” said Keith Penner. “It might be more economical to just install an aging hippie on every other street corner or something.”
The new Peace and Pacifism budget will also include training in Nonviolent Crisis Intervention for the moderators on the What’s Up Steinbach Facebook page.
