Biblical Literalist Accidentally Eats Shellfish


Area man James Dyck, who normally prides himself in his undying commitment to his own inerrant interpretation of Scripture, found himself in quite the pickle this afternoon at the local Red Lobster.

“It was an anniversary for the wife and I and when the lobster came out and there was all that butter I just couldn’t help myself but change my interpretation of the entire Book of Leviticus,” said Dyck, digging into a nice pincher claw. “Normally I hold to a strict literal interpretation of the Bible, but in this one rare case I made an exception.”

Since his Red Lobster experience, Dyck now claims he’s only obligated to follow Old Testament commands that are explicitly repeated in the New Testament.

“But I had to ditch that, too, after I could find not a single verse supporting the consumption of shellfish,” said Peters. “Jesus fed a whole crowd with loaves and fishes? But there was not a shellfish to be found.”

The young theologian has come us with what he calls the Dyck Method of Biblical Interpretation.

“Nothing beats the Dyck Method,” said Dyck. “You can pick and choose which verses to take seriously at your own will. It’s basically what every theologian does … except that I don’t have a complicated hermeneutical system to mask the fact I’m just winging it.”

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