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Articles by Andrew

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Lady Accused of Hoarding Prized Hutterite Chickens

October 30, 2016 Andrew

LINDEN, AB Local home cook Mrs. Margaret Martens of Linden arrived early in the morning the day after butchering day to buy up as many chickens as she could from the area Hutterite colony. Martens […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman Hires CNN to ‘Fact-Check’ Her Husband

October 30, 2016 Andrew

ANAHEIM, CA Tired of “his constant BS,” local Mennonite woman, Mary Penner, 75, of Anaheim, decided to submit her husband Pete to a CNN Reality Check. “I just wasn’t sure that what he was telling […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Grandma Arrested for Force-Feeding Unsuspecting Grandson

October 29, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Mennonite grandmother Betsy Petkau, 63, was arrested this week after using her charm and persistence to convince her twenty-year-old grandson Jeff to eat an entire roast chicken and two gallons of potato salad. […]

The Daily Bonnet

Rumours Fly as Young Woman Gets a Haircut

October 28, 2016 Andrew

ROSENHOF, MB The rumour mill was running in full force this weekend after local woman Marilynne Klassen, 32, went to one of those weltlijch city hairdressers and came back with the “shortest haircut we’ve ever […]

Unger & Thirst

New Mennonite EpiPen Injects Emergency Supply of Schmaunt Fat

October 27, 2016 Andrew

PLUM COULEE, MB Mennonites throughout southern Manitoba have been lining up outside local pharmacies to get their hands on a newly redesigned EpiPen that injects an emergency supply of schmaunt fat straight into the user’s […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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