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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

A Mennonite Guide to Card Games – Ranked in Order of Sinfulness

November 15, 2016 Andrew

In an effort to add some clarity to a topic that has baffled Mennonites for centuries, the Daily Bonnet has devised a handy ranking of the relative evilness of particular card games. In descending order, the […]

The Daily Bonnet

TV Remote Far Too Complicated for Taunte Mary

November 14, 2016 Andrew

GRETNA, MB Taunte Mary of Gretna had to call her nephew Phillip yet again this past week when she couldn’t figure out how to get the television to turn on after having watched a DVD of ‘Doctor […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonites React With Disgust to ‘Showy’ Supermoon

November 14, 2016 Andrew

WALDHEIM, SASK The largest moon in almost 70 years has been strutting its stuff across the globe tonight, much to the chagrin of Mennonites who found the display to be “repulsive.” “You don’t draw attention […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Man Sues Beer Company for ‘False Advertising’

November 13, 2016 Andrew

HOFFNUNGSFELD, MB After being inspired by countless commercials for ‘lite refreshing beer’ during Winnipeg Blue Bomber rain delays, local man Henry Froese decided to sample the product for the first time, but was sorely disappointed with […]

Unger Suspicion

Kevin O’Leary Encourages Mennonites to ‘Work Harder, Make More Money, Be More Industrious’

November 12, 2016 Andrew

TORONTO, ON Businessman and television personality Kevin O’Leary has taken time out of his busy schedule of helping young entrepreneurs make a “shit ton of moolah” to give some advice to Mennonites across the country. “It’s […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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