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Articles by Andrew

Unger Suspicion

Gary Bettman Attempts to Move the Steinbach Pistons to Arizona

October 3, 2016 Andrew

GLENDALE, AZ Villainous NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman has laid out plans to move every Manitoba Junior Hockey team, including the beloved Steinbach Pistons, to small towns throughout Arizona. “We’ve already ruined the NHL by placing […]

Unger Conviction

New Study Shows Mennonites Feel 6% More Guilt Than Catholics

October 2, 2016 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON A new study from the University of Kitchener suggests that Mennonites experience only slightly more guilt than their Roman Catholic counterparts. While both groups experience similar levels of guilt and shame on issues of food and […]

The Daily Bonnet

Everyone’s at the MCC Right Now, What Are You Doing on Facebook?

October 1, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Like, seriously, now, who’s even reading this? It’s the middle of the day on Saturday, which means that absolutely everyone in Steinbach is at the MCC thrift store, which closes at 3. Good […]

The Daily Bonnet

Grandma Sure is a Stickler on Scrabble Rules

September 30, 2016 Andrew

HENDERSON, NB During the 20th century, Mennonite grandmothers across North America have overcome the oppressive patriarchal subculture that too often limited them to grade eight educations to excel at many things, including Scrabble. However, along […]

The Daily Bonnet

Winkler Man Discovers He’s Dead from the Funeral Announcements

September 29, 2016 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Local man Sam W. Buhler of Winker has listened to the funeral announcements on the local Plautdietsch radio station for the past twenty years, but never did he expect that he would hear his […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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