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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonites Fondly Reminisce About the Olden Days When Chicken Meat Actually Contained Chicken

March 4, 2017 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB After DNA testing recently revealed that the chicken at numerous popular fast food establishments had “only trace amounts of chicken meat,” Mennonites across North America fondly recalled the days when eating chicken meant you […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Man Brushes Up on His German to Read the Bible in Its ‘Original Language’

March 3, 2017 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON Tired of the notoriously unreliable English translations, local man John B. Kornelsen of Kitchener has been relearning German in order to read the Bible in its original script. “You can’t rely on these […]

Unger Conviction

‘Reverse Lent’ Begins Today for Devout Mennonites

March 1, 2017 Andrew

DALLAS, OR On Ash Wednesday, Mennonites across the world cease their regular practice of abstaining from anything pleasurable and instead take up a wide variety of unhealthy habits. Local woman Patricia Voth, 65, of the small […]

Unger Suspicion

Letter to Small Town Paper Solves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

February 28, 2017 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB After decades, perhaps centuries, of controversy, a few heated letters to the editor of a small town Manitoba newspaper were instrumental in finally solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict once and for all. “I can’t […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mysterious Steinbach Mineral Claims Finally Revealed

February 28, 2017 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB For more than a year, a secretive Alberta company has been buying up the mineral rights for a massive area surrounding the city of Steinbach. The precise nature of the mineral rights purchase has been kept under […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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