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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Penner and Penner to Breed Purebred Penner Children

June 3, 2017 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Local Winkler couple and not-so-distant cousins Colin Penner and Mary Penner, both in their mid-20s, are expecting a pair of purebred Penner children this fall. The exciting announcement was made at the church faspa last […]

Unger Conviction

A Mennonite Guide to Earning Your Salvation

June 2, 2017 Andrew

New documents published by Conrad Grebel in the early 1500s have finally put to rest the age-old Mennonite question of how to go about earning your place in Heaven. While Calvinists believe that some people are […]

Unger Suspicion

Wonder Woman’s True Identity Revealed as Nice Mennonite Gal from Rosenort

June 1, 2017 Andrew

ROSENORT, MB For years millions of people have puzzled themselves about the true identity of the tiara-wearing woman who rounds up villians with the Lasso of Truth and defends the helpless with the power of her magic bracelets. As it […]

The Daily Bonnet

Horseshoes-Related Injuries Soar in 2017

June 1, 2017 Andrew

MARCHAND, MB After a slow summer last year with less than twenty concussions and two fatalities, the number of horseshoes-related injuries has soared to record heights in Manitoba this spring. If the pace continues, it […]

Unger & Thirst

Justin Trudeau to Legalize Rhubarb Platz

May 31, 2017 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON After decades of pressure from platz-users across Canada, the Trudeau government has announced it will introduce legislation to regulate and sell rhubarb platz by the end of the year. “This is a great […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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