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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Dutch Blitz Tournament Results in Hundreds of Casualties

April 20, 2017 Andrew

LANCASTER, PA More than three-hundred serious injuries and five fatalities were reported at this year’s Lancaster Senior’s Dutch Blitz tournament. Event organizers, however, say that the results are “typical.” “This is just as we expected. […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Child Found Four Days Later Still Searching for Easter Egg

April 20, 2017 Andrew

MORDEN, MB Four days after the annual Giesbrecht family easter egg hunt a distraught Timothy Giesbrecht, 6, was located in Oma and Opa’s backyard frantically searching for the colourful hard-boiled treat. “This is the last time we […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Almost Fornicates With His Own Wife

April 19, 2017 Andrew

LA CRETE, AB After hearing a fiery sermon on marital purity at the local Mennonite church, area man Mr. Petey B. Krahn has vowed never to fornicate with his wife again. However, he nearly broke […]

Unger & Thirst

Steinbachers Mourn the Loss of Taco Bell

April 19, 2017 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB For almost 20 years Steinbachers have flocked to Taco Bell for a taste of home in Chihuahua. It seems, however, that the new KFC restaurant will not be serving these delicious Mexican treats. […]

Unger Suspicion

Quebec Separatists Demand to Take Ste. Anne, Manitoba With Them

April 18, 2017 Andrew

MONTREAL, QC A sovereigntist group in Quebec, the Front de Liberation de Quebec and Other Parts of Canada, or FLQOPC for short, is demanding that in the event of Quebec’s separation from Canada, that tiny […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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