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Articles by Andrew

Unger Suspicion

Kitchener-Waterloo to Be Renamed Waterloo-Kitchener

March 7, 2017 Andrew

WATERLOO-KITCHENER, ON Tired of always taking a backseat to neighbouring city Kitchener, residents of Waterloo have successfully petitioned the Ontario government to change the name of the metro area from Kitchener-Waterloo to Waterloo-Kitchener. “All those […]

The Daily Bonnet

Religious Bumper Stickers Causing Accidents All Over Southern Manitoba

March 6, 2017 Andrew

WINKLER, MB A legion of bumper sticker-laden pickup trucks and minivans across southern Manitoba are causing traffic accidents throughout the region as people strain to read the Bible verses or inspirational messages. “I was just reading […]

The Daily Bonnet

Census: Steinbach Population to Surpass Winnipeg by 2217

March 6, 2017 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB The recent Canadian census has sparked a rivalry between the growing Mennonite town of Steinbach and its (currently) much larger provincial capital. If current rates of growth continue, Steinbach, already the third-largest community in […]

Unger Conviction

Conservative Mennonite Church Accidentally Elects Female Elder

March 5, 2017 Andrew

KRONSFELD, MB For decades, members of South Kronsfeld Mennonite Church have faithfully followed the biblical model of deciding absolutely everything, including church leaders, by pulling names out of Mr. Wall’s hat. However, this practice has […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonites Fondly Reminisce About the Olden Days When Chicken Meat Actually Contained Chicken

March 4, 2017 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB After DNA testing recently revealed that the chicken at numerous popular fast food establishments had “only trace amounts of chicken meat,” Mennonites across North America fondly recalled the days when eating chicken meant you […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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